Saturday, 10 January 2015

The Full Saturday List...

There will be plenty of losers here lol but this is my full across the Isles Spread of everything thats going on today....

Lingfield.
1. MAGICAL EFFECT - Unplaced at 1/4F as the " lay Odds on in a maiden " stat comes in full force haha .
Not forced to be miles better than these as a couple could also improve significantly however on the form shown this son of New Approach has a winning mentality.
2. THE HUNGERFORD EFFECT - 1st @ 8.79 ( Yay a Winner ;-) )
The Dream Fast is the logical choice on form however i have gone for an EW improver in this as the form on offer isn't a million miles apart.
3. LUEJANIE - 2nd @ 7.42
This has to be the EW selection , CD winner that won this same race last year from an 8lb lower weight and also ran well for a 3rd over cd lto and the 8/1 looks a nice price.
4. WROOD - Unplaced ( 5th ) - Ran ok .
Again another impossible to ignore having had 5 races so far and all at Lingfield and most over this kind of distance with form figures that read 2/2/1/3/1 with the last three all being close , won by a NK , lost by a NK and then a DH....if this goes down it wont be without a fight and the 3.30 looks a fair price.
5. LINTON - Unplaced ( v poor ride from a shit rider )
Not a confident choice but the 12/1 is too big to ignore imo and this arrives from the yard that won this last year and will have a good idea of what it will need to win having had stable runners race against others in this field.
6. CHICAGO BERE - Unplaced ( But WON on the PPL Bet )
Tight race and its currently a Max PPL race which is nice the Godolphin runner is a worry but this Hannon horse is in form and having only run just two weeks ago is pretty much nailed on to run his race.
7. STARLIGHT SYMPHONY - 4th @ 17.1
EW for me and why ??...i always back Crowley in the last...its just one of my many betting quirks.

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wetherby.
1. PADDY MULLIGAN - Unplaced and absolute garbage lol...what a dog.
Its a Bloomfields horse so who really knows ? , the fact its 30/1 should be enough to put me off however it didnt run that bad lto in 3rd and the drop from 3m2f to 2m4f will def help....at the price its worth a few quid ew.
2. HORIZONTAL SPEED - 1st @ 1.88
Should be too classy for these having shown form thats a good deal better than anything else on offer , Red Devil Boys is only interesting but even that needs to find in excess of 12lb to threaten.
3. WORDYS BOY - 3rd @ 11.50
This has an Honest profile and will give its truest running in a race full of dodge pots you cant ask for anymore , solid chance on form and arrives on the back of a decent lto effort and the 8/1 looks very fair another nice EW to nothing.
4. FIRTH OF THE CLYDE - 1st @ 8.52
A bit speculative as one would expect in such a tight race however the main protagonists have failed to cope with their recent respective weight rises and FOTC has run well with this rating so should prove the most honest and reliable of runners and at around 6/1 is good value imo and with BF paying top three looks another decent EW.
5. SMOOTH STEPPER - 1st @ 6.60
Sue Smith likes a  winner or two here at Wetherby and this is probably her best chance of getting gold today although it will have to improve both in terms of ability and its jumping prowess but looking at the way and where its been running i think this is the prize, sedge' a couple of times then Weth' back to to Sedge' for a confidence booster and now back to Wetherby.
6. MY IDEA - Unplaced
A Course and Distance winner at times who is in fine fettle from a canny yard will give a good account and looks a positive ew selection at around 8/1.
7. BURMA - 4th @ 6.06
Token gesture in a wide open event although the Kayf Tara's can be discounted as i feel the trip will be way too short.

                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WARWICK.
1. G'DAI SYDNEY - Unplaced...did absolutely nothing lol...
Anything that Bowen sends to the gaff tracks needs a look currently as he is very much in form and this looks like one of his better sorts coming here in fine form and arguably having the best form and the 13/2 looks far too big imo as i had this down at around 7/2-4/1 very strong EW bet.
2. UPEPITO - 1st @ 4.90
Largely unexposed french type that is slowly coming to hand and will have every chance he will win its just a case when not if.
3.  SEGO SUCCESS - 1st @ 7.0
Its a Tom Cannon ride that is also a very nice horse oh and its trained by Alan King...Tick...Tick...Tick...yeah that'll do.
4. AWAYWITHTHEGREYS - Unplaced ( Jumped poorly )
Its another Bowen runner but this won well lto at its favoured track Chepstow but is quite well in , loves the ground , stays all day and is a rather large 18/1 so i simply cant get away from it although i do also like Big Hands Harry so this might be another Dutch race for me.
5. SHANTOU BOB - Unplaced ( v poor show )
On form alone this is a certainty!! , well as we all know nothing is certain in racing but with a good clear round i simply cannot see this getting beat today and is probably the days best bet NAP.
6. SHOTGUN PADDY - 3rd @ 8.20 ( hit 1.70 )
A speculative punt on last years winner and regular long distance stayer although it arrives out of sorts and not offering much this is really a race to watch rather than back in and Ballyoliver is a better ew betting proposition.
7. COPPER KAY - 1st @ 3.13
A nicely bred Irish type that has winners across all lines and with Dickie doing the steering this could be easily good enough to score and at around 5/1 its a decent price.

                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And thats it for today...have fun and play nice ;-).

Friday, 9 January 2015

Sat err day ...;-)



Hi De Hi Campers ,
                              Well its been a rather uneventful week thus far but thankfully the weekend has finally arrived and with it the hope of some semi interesting racing as i have by n large been bored of my tits all week even having to get some writing for the books done ( which bores me a bit in truth but i do get some satisfaction from it in a rather sadistic way ) .
Thankfully we do have a decent looking KEMPTON card to keep us readily amused and with a few decent looking money making races including a Juvenile Hurdle in the 1st to get me smiling so lets crack on ;-)) ,

                                                         KEMPTON

RACE 1 : 

WIN - DAYDREAMER -
EW - RACE TO GLORY -
LONG - LIBECCIO -

SUMMARY : A nice little Juvenile Hurdle to get us underway and its not the strongest race by any stretch of the imagination with the top rated only 116 which is very moderate and that runner looks very exposed at that.
Alan King has a very promising sort in the shape of DAYDREAMER who was rated 80 on the Flat ( AW ) and has won over 1m5f very easily which would lend strength to the support of him being a stayer in the making and is also stoutly bred being by Duke of Marmalade but make no mistake he certainly wont get things his own way as Libeccio arrives with arguably the best form with a decent lto 2nd and this will stay for sure and at pace and will make this a proper test although it needs to brush up on its jumping but arrives none the less with solid claims.
Aside from Libeccio Daydreamer will also have to deal with another 2 quite decent ex flat recruits in the shape of Rising Breeze ,  What a Scorcher and RACE TO GLORY who was also a good 2nd over 1m5f to the 85 rated Late Shipment and that form gives him a solid chance if its transferable , this could be a decent little race and considering recent winners have been L'Unique , Saddlers Risk and Goodwood Mirage one would suspect there may be something equally nice in here.

RESULT : ALL 3 of mine unplaced...not a great start by any means lol...as the only horse with any real form and rated just 116 wins for BG at nice odds.

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RACE 2 : 

WIN - LOST LEGEND - 1st @ 15.80
EW - COCKTAILS AT DAWN -
LONG - N/A -

SUMMARY : Next up we have a small field Handicap Chase and its a pocket emptier for punters...but i think this will be a very strong Stat Lay race so fingers crossed for a good return and a healthy book.
LOST LEGEND gets a speculative vote for a couple of reasons ( why its speculative ) Firstly the Yard ( JJ O Neil ) has only just emerged from a real bad spell in the doldrums but his runners are seemingly hitting some form right now and Secondly this has no real form on soft ground so two massive pinches of luck guessing is required in order to hold this as a punt with any belief however its overall profile is good, solid form when attained , lightly raced and with plenty of obvious improvement this could be well in here as it thrashed a 125 rated rival before losing out twice in close contests but on both occasions they were to runners who were rated 140+ which makes his mark look rock solid and i think he could be good for another 6lb at least which makes him a good bet here but i will need a fair price to get involved and that would be the price plus danger money...i will check the markets in the morning with vigor to see how i stand , Cocktails at Dawn will be the strongest challenger as this is also another improving sort that will win races for sure but suffers from poor jumps n errors but with a clear round could easy win...but is another that needs you to have your fingers crossed.


RESULT : 

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RACE 3 : 

WIN - KINGSCOURT NATIVE - 1st @ 2.09
EW - COME ON LAURIE -
LONG - N/A -

SUMMARY : Yet another small fucking field....jeez...this time its a shit pot novice hurdle but this should go to KINGSCOURT NATIVE who would have pissed in lto but for falling at the last and surely compensation awaits here...won 3m ptp's before and stays at pace , likes the ground and connections are in good order..all boxes ticked and that makes it a good bet in a shit race.

RESULT : 

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RACE 4 : 

WIN - BALDER SUCCESS - 1st @ 2.04
EW - HUNT BALL -
LONG - N/A -

SUMMARY : Next up its a Fucking wank watching 3 runner race...for fucks sake this is worth over £30k yet they cant get better than this...something seriously needs to be done!!..fucking arseholes!!...
3 runners and Fox Appeal only Wins if the other two fall , Hunt Ball imo wont win until dropped between 145-150 although with only one runner to beat could sneak a win but BALDER SUCCESS will prove a very tough nut to crack and he wont be able to run his legs off as BS is a top notch stalker on his day however he has been around 14lb shy of his best this season so he will have to step right up as any weakness will be exploited , Balder Sucess now needs this trip and Hunt Ball will welcome the 1f shorter trip ( although stays further )...intriguing race with the LAY on Fox Appeal the only real bet.

RESULT : 

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RACE 5 : 

WIN - WARRANTOR -
EW - SAFFRON WELLS - 3rd @ 11.70
LONG - N/A -

SUMMARY : The LANZAROTE and finally a proper punting race and a decent field with 13 runners on fairly decent ground that should suit most if not all.
Tea for Two is a nice sort but fuck me i will be surprised if good enough for an event like this so for it to be rag fav is a shock in truth and this looks a good Lay , the Pipe pair will both run big races and could pop up , Saffron Wells is in with a big shout and will be right up their placing and/or challenging a consistent a sort as they come with his favoured ground for the first time in ages well since his placed run in a Grade 3 in fact and at a crazy looking 14/1 this has to be one of the best EW bets of the day however rather reluctantly i may have to bypass this or dutch at the minimum as ive been told the yard will not hear of defeat for WARRANTOR tmrw and at 7/1 is worth a very close inspection indeed won as easy as you like lto and will stay this very lightly raced son of Turtle Island ( 1/4/4/1/1 ) could well be worth another 12lb making his current rating look peanuts this is his race, his target and i think this will be given every chance and with the excellent Aiden Coleman doing the steering i cant see this being unplaced in truth , there are some nice types in this field but none with the form , scope or boxed ticked form as this one.

RESULT : 

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RACE 6 : 

WIN - OPEN HEARTED - 3rd @ 4.83
EW - MASTERS HILL - 2nd @ 5.80
LONG - HOWARDS LEGACY -

SUMMARY : Handicap Chase to kinda round the day off and its a close looking thing with several holding good claims but for me i think OPEN HEARTED will run a very big indeed , needed the seasonal bow to warm the joints up and the trip was too short today however he is back over 3m  ( takes him 2m4f of racing on and off the bridle just to warm up ) he will have every chance of slowly coming into the race as Chartereaux and Via Sundown set the pace up and BG can come from nicely off an even pace to hunt them down.
Masters Hill and Howards Legacy will make this a good race but this should be another winner for Hendo.

RESULT : 

                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the true Finale we see FIRST MOHICAN a horse that has patently underwhelmed and under delivered in his initial promise , this one time very smart staying flat runner could place these upon his back and carry them all over the line IF in the right frame of mind as he seems a very quirky sort...its a game of ifs n butts...he has the potential to be a star but has failed at every juncture to deliver any type of performance that would suggest he is enjoying the game....in a very weak race on paper i will give him one last chance to justify the pre nh career hyperbole .....

Result : 3rd @ 5.60....its not looking good for this disappointing sort.

Have a great day all...ttfn x

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Thursday Pocket Bulger ( or not lol )...

Another dull racing day as we amble slowly towards the weekend , but its another week of January wiped away and we are another week nearer Spring , Spain and some much needed Sun.....Yesterday's stand alone bet was a nice winner and we have just the one Juvenile Hurdle to look at today.

INTENSE TANGO is a serious hotpot in this and has already attracted support at 1.74 and this is on the back of a debut over timber in which it raced in a Listed event over 2m at Aintree coming 2nd to a nice looking Alan King type rated 120 with beaten runners behind rated around 115 this looks solid although it wouldnt want much more rain.
Jazzy Lady has a couple of 2nds on its CV but is largely unremarkable and doesnt give much at the end and looks a weak 2nd Fav at 6.2.
MAGIC MAGNOLIA however has some decent placed form and although exposed was placed when splitting 125 rated Ellison runners recently and that gives him every chance of running again into a place or better  ( although unlikely ) but only appeal if decent double figure odds.

If you want to take on this hotpot then SAINT LUCY is probably the best bet EW as it did nothing fto but the JJ O N'eill yard was  woefully out of sorts but on weds did strike back with a couple of placed efforts and a winner so this could be a turning point in the yards fortunes??...it is a bit of a punt and i would need a decent or fair price to get involved ( around 10/1 ) but it could improve 20lbs easily..

In SUMMARY : INTENSE TANGO will in all likelihood Win this and win well in what is a very ordinary looking field full of under performers and low achievers i will be very surprised if this doesnt take this down en route to bigger events in the future with an eye probably more on Aintree than Cheltenham and it will have to win well to justify any of these thoughts, the distance should prove no problem , the opponents should be blown away with only a very slight concern about the ground this is a strong bet although 4/6 is the lowest i would probably go ( in fact im gonna try and get Evens in the run and if not matched then no bet , ..actually maybe 1.90 )....so thats it really..nothing to get excited about but a solid looking WIN bet to round the day off and hopefully more to come in a packed weekend brochure.

TTFN x

RESULT: BooooM ;-)

Full Result

PosDistHorseTrainerAgeWeightJockeySP
1stIntense TangoK R Burke410-10B Hughes1/2f
Chased leaders in 3rd, went 2nd before 2 out, soon challenged, led after last, kept on opened 4/9
2ndSaint LucyJonjo O'Neill410-10A P McCoy9/2
Chased leader, led after 3 out, pressed from 2 out, ridden before last, headed soon after, kept on and held run-in opened 5/1
3rd14Jazzy Lady (IRE)Jim Best410-10J M Maguire8/1
In touch in 4th, pushed along and went 3rd before 2 out, ridden before last, one pace opened 7/1


Just the one for today...

Quiet Day...Quiet Week.....But we do have one Juvenile Hurdle to look at and it holds a red hot Fav in the shape of Swivel an ex 90+ Rated flat sort and multiple winner for Mark Johnston this should be upto taking down a race of this ilk however he was quirky and untrustworthy on the flat and at 1.69 he wont see a penny from me John Constable is another 90 rated flat type ex Aiden O'Brien and this could run a decent race if it has a taste for the game as its stoutly bred and looks a likely sort however my money will be a FAP only bet on GOLDEN SPEAR , nothing flash and awkward but this has had a run and experience and this was upsides , challenging and looking the likely winner on its debut until it fell at the last and at around 17/1 ( 2.60 ) this looks a cracking EW bet but a much better FAP only with possibly a few quid on the nose...if it irons out its jumping quirks it has a solid chance of winning if the others fail bbut has an outstanding chance of placing...Max Bet time...

RESULT : 3rd @ 16.70 ( 2.66 )

Saturday, 3 January 2015

The Late Edition....

Morning All , 
                       As i awake from my slumber i have noticed i am quite a bit behind on both my Saturday analysis and selection process so the blog will be rather light today on full summary but i will have a run thru SANDOWN for your consumption as that is my course of preference for today.

Rather disappointingly we see a number of small fields out today and a pathetic 4 runner for the Tolworth...such a fucking shame these morons cant get their collective shit together and i dont mean we need 16 runners in each race but a punter friendly 9 or 10 should be manageable this would help attendances, profit, turnover , owners and of course the people that subsidize the whole franchise ..the Punter....

We start the day off with a Juvenile Hurdle which is my Bread and Butter but its a low rated affair and strictly on Flat form Arabian Revolution should be winning this but after a fine run at Newbury he went markedly backwards with his latest effort over 2m at Southwell very poor indeed and is left alone here.
NORSE LIGHT did win an egg n spoon maiden lto and has the scope to be...well something in this sphere and is a tentative vote in a contest in which i wont be betting in for the PP i will also look at the two Pipe runners who both should run better races after turning in very poor shows after bright starts their experience is what can win the day however they were such shocking runs that neither are worthy of a bet.

RESULT : Arabian Revolution  pissed it and hosed up against some very very poor horses..

Mares Listed Hurdle is next up and another low field keeps our options low but this is a very tight race with 5 of the 6 having a solid chance and decent race winning credentials and the Fav AURORE D'ESTRUVAL has to be the form pick based on a solid run lto behind Irving and thats really all their is to say here for this with Dark Spirit the best of the rest.

RESULT : AURORE D'ESTRUVAL  1st @ 2.62 Wins easily with Dark Spirit a game 2nd.

Handicap Chase time now and a guessing game for punters and im gonna go with a speculative EW on FAIRY RATH ( HCE NAP ) with the excellent Tom Cannon riding this is well in on historic form and a recapture of this would see him carry these home...lots of ifs n butts but in an open race at around 8/1 this is worth a dabble.

RESULT : 1st @ 6.96....BooooooM

Another Handicap chase follows this time over the minimum and is again wide open and looks a good race for the Stat Lay brigade , MR MOLE is as quirky as they come but when he behaves he does have a touch of class and for me is an obvious choice at around 5.0 this is a decent looking punt.

RESULT : 1st @ 3.55.....BoooooM X 2 ;-))

TOLWORTH time and this piss poor turnout should prove easy pickings for LAMI SERGE and at 1.51 looks a knocking bet as only an act of god will see this lose here today and rates the NAP bet albeit at a not very attractive price.

RESULT : 1st Wins easy @ 1.53....Easy Money.

Handicap Hurdle time now and a decent field for this and a good race for punters as a few come with strong chances and the prices are quite sweet.
This could be another for AP as AMORE ALATO holds strong claims with his lto run behind Snake Eyes a very good run indeed and that was over CD not great value at 4.60 but big enough to get involved in EW acca's.

RESULT = 5th....

And in the Finale im hoping Hendo has sorted his charge out because at 20/1 + it looks a decent EW punt to round the day off..

RESULT : 3rd @ 18.48 = Great Result !!

..Not an inspiring card but thats it for today....now back to the drinking n Golf ;-)..Enjoy.

Thursday, 1 January 2015

Winter Golf

Are you a proper Winter Golfer?


THOSE poor souls on  the European Tour have had to spend a couple of weeks in South Africa, where they have been complaining about the heat. Huh!  Over the past two or three months I have played many games of golf up to my knees in mud and had to wait on a couple of occasions for the frost to thaw. There will soon be snow to spoil our days too. That means I qualify to be described as a proper "winter golfer". So listen guys, this is what winter golf is like for the rest of us... .

While you complain about the temperature reaching 100°F, we struggle round in temperatures that are close to freezing - and sometimes below that! But do we complain? Of course we do. Wouldn't you? But the choice comes down to putting your clubs away for four or five months of the year, or struggling around trying to keep our game in shape while being battered by the elements.

There are different stages to winter golf, and I would like to take you through some of them.

Winter Golf - End of Autumn

First of all, there's what we call "end of the autumn golf" - it starts with a few leaves falling on the greens; they have to be brushed aside so that we can putt. Before we know where we are, the bunkers are full of leaves and so is the rough - for the uninitiated, that can make the task of finding your golf ball somewhat challenging.

Eventually the leaves are blown away. By 80mph northerly winds howling in from the North Pole. Usually, at about the same time, we get the rain that turns our fairways and rough to mud, our bunkers into ponds and our greens into unplayable swamps.

This is when you need to invest in a set of waterproofs that will actually keep the water out and, hopefully, the heat in, but not the sweat. We are also faced with the big question: to tuck our trousers into our socks or not to tuck them in. Tucking them in is not a good look on anybody, but the option is to trail through the rough looking for your ball and, by the time you get back to the sanctuary of the clubhouse bar, you look down and realise the damp has crept up to your knees. How does that happen?

You hit a shot into a water-filled bunker. If you are lucky, you find it by dragging the rake through the water, time and time again. If you are not lucky, it has plugged and you never see it again. But let's say you have managed to retrieve it - you survey the scene and realise there is just enough bunker left to allow you to climb in and drop the ball. Thadunk! It lands on damp sand and plugs on a downslope. Wonderful.

After maybe 11 holes of fighting against the wind and rain and biting cold, one of your fourball asks: "Lads, is anybody actually enjoying this?" The rest of you look at him like he's mad. "Mikey, we could all be stuck in an office." "You mean an office where it is warm and dry?"

Strange man!

Then there are the greens. The temporary greens. Now I am not always the brightest light in the house, but it strikes me that if you are head greenkeeper at a course that is going to be hit by winter weather then it might be an idea to prepare proper winter greens. But no. It's easier instead to circle off an area of fairway just short of the green and stick a hole in it. That would be an area of the fairway from where players normally chip onto the green, taking divots in the process. And that would be a normal size hole, which actually ends up being smaller than normal because of the grass growing around it. You hit a six-foot putt and it somehow ends up six feet away after you have struck it. At right angles to where you were aiming.

There is something else that drives me stark raving bonkers. You walk onto a damp putting surface and repair your pitchmark. As you stand up, you notice another pitchmark, and another, and another. You repair them, too, while your playing partners are doing the same thing. So this is my question: if all of us are repairing these pitchmarks, who on earth is leaving them there in the first place?

While all of this is going on, do you think the greenkeepers have bothered to rope off the most vulnerable areas around the proper greens? Of course they haven't. So huge areas of mud appear, into which the wheels of our trolleys and buggies sink. Even I know that when spring comes around there will be no grass in these areas and anybody unlucky enough to land there will be left cursing.

Winter Golf - The Frost

Then comes the frost. It usually arrives at the end of November and makes regular appearances until the end February, and often beyond. So you all turn up to play and the professional grimly announces that the course is closed. Why? Because walking on frosted grass harms it, apparently.

Everybody heads for the clubhouse for a warming cup of coffee and then, 20 minutes later, the pro enters and tells you all that the head greenkeeper has carried out an inspection and the course is now fit to play, but you will be putting on 18 temporary greens.

We all emerge from the clubhouse and look out upon a scene that is precisely as it was when we were told the course was closed.

Frost creates its own challenges. By the time you have reached the first green, you and your partners have all grown by at least two full inches as the frost and ice cling to the bottom of your golf shoes.

Then you get to the temporary green with the smaller than normal hole and you strike your putt and watch the size of your ball grow and grow as it approaches the hole. It often grows to such an extent that by the time it gets to the smaller than normal hole it is actually too big to drop into the cup.

But the real beauty of playing on frozen ground is to hit a thin iron-shot. The club vibrates against the ground, sends shockwaves into your fingers, up your arms, down your spine, through your legs, into your feet and then back into your fingers at 120mph. The result? Pain and misery, a tingling in the fingertips that is beyond description, the loss of all feeling.

The key to it all is keeping warm. "Morning Derek, I am just popping into the clubhouse to get ready."

"OK Dave, see you a minute."

Several minutes pass, and then a figure emerges. It resembles the Abominable Snowman, but then it speaks and you realise it is Dave. He's put on his full set of thermal underwear, two pairs of trousers, a thermal top, three jerseys, all topped off with a set of white waterproofs with black trim. On his head is something no respectable ski-racer would be seen dead in - it has ear muffs that he has tied under his chin, and he has topped it off with his Titleist sun visor. And then it dawns on you - he reminds you of a giant penguin.

But Dave isn't finished yet. In each pocket he has some contraption that will keep his hands warm. Well they would keep his hands warm if it wasn't for the fact that he is wearing mittens that look more like boxing gloves. And he insists on wearing them to play his first shot of the day - an effort that sees the ball dispatched fully 30 yards, followed by his driver, which travels at least 75 yards because it has slipped out of his gloved hands as he has struck the ball.

So don't complain to me about it being too hot to play in South Africa, Australia or anywhere else until you have had at least 18 holes of winter golf with my mate Dave!

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